CHUCK NORRIS
I've never understood how Chuck Norris has taken on such mythical status but the tough jokes about him are hilarious!
Chuck Norris Counted to infinity… Twice
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris can fry ants with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer, but he never cries.
Chuck Norris has two speeds – walk and kill.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now called the Islands.
When God said “let there be light,” Chuck Norris said “say ‘please’”
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris can fry ants with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris’s tears cure cancer, but he never cries.
Chuck Norris has two speeds – walk and kill.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now called the Islands.
When God said “let there be light,” Chuck Norris said “say ‘please’”
Chuck Norris can divide by zero
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Hungry Jacks, and got one.
When you say “no one’s perfect”, Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Hungry Jacks, and got one.
When you say “no one’s perfect”, Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Google won’t search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris once shot down an fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
In the medical community, death is referred to as “Chuck Norris Disease”.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Google won’t search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris once shot down an fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
If at first you don’t succeed, you’re not Chuck Norris.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
In the medical community, death is referred to as “Chuck Norris Disease”.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn’t hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
The phrase ‘dead ringer’ refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him “a promising Rookie”.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris’s victims before they died? His shoe.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
On the 7th day, God rested…. Chuck Norris took over.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris pees in a can and sells it as redbull.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a shadow. No shadow is stupid enough to follow him around.
Chuck Norris Let the Dogs Out.
Chuck Norris doesn't have to say CHECK when he's playing chess. He's always just one move from beating you.
and finally ..... Go to Google. Type, Google Chuck Norris and then click on I'm Feeling Lucky.